- worst fear: but what if I'm actually a sociopath and all the feelings I have aren't real and I'm just an incredibly talented mimic because socipaths have feelings you see just not a whole lot of empathy and sometimes I wonder if all the empathy I've felt for people is just my imagination
- I like to think that I'm just an incredibly logical person and I am good at manipulating events and people around me but what if it's more than that?
- perhaps the very fact that I worry about being a sociopath proves that I'm not one
- this is just one of the stupid things I think about in the middle of the night and it grows roots in my brain until I'm too afraid to sleep until I figure out if I'm actually a sociopath or not and I go on grand searches to find out all the information there ever was about antisocial personality disorder and then I get more terrified because it all sounds familiar
- but then I realise that not all of it fits and for about half a second I'm relieved
- then it starts all over again
- x
Letter from A.
Odette England
Porcelain Unicorn
from A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius
I know what I am doing now, that I am doing something both beautiful but gruesome because I am destroying its beauty by knowing that it might be beautiful, know that if I know I am doing something beautiful, that it’s no longer beautiful. I fear that even if it’s beautiful in the abstract, that my doing it knowing that it’s beautiful and worse, knowing that I will very soon be documenting it, that in my pocket is a tape recorder brought for just that purpose—that all this makes this act of potential beauty somehow gruesome.
I am a monster.
Dave Eggers
